DOCTOR: I've got some bad news and I've got some really bad news.
PATIENT: Give me the bad news first.
DOCTOR: Well, you have about twenty-four hours to live I'm afraid.
PATIENT: That's terrible, what's the really bad news?
DOCTOR: I've been trying to call you since yesterday…

Whats the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb? You can unscrew a light bulb.

A naked man wrapped in saran wrap walks into a shrinks office. the shrink looks at him and says "I can clearly see you're nuts"

A pirate walks into a bar, and the barkeep says "Hey! Did you know that you've got your ship's wheel stuck in your pants?!" So the pirate says "Aye! That thing be drivin' me nuts! Aaargh!"

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and asks, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

When I die I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming like the passengers in his car.

While taking a bath, a three-year-old boy was examining his testicles. "Mom", he asked, "are these my brains?" "Not yet", she replied.

Q: “Why do you still go out with that sadist?”
A: “I dunno. Beats me.”

A skeleton walks into a bar and says “Give me a beer and a mop.”

Little Audrey was walking home when a big bad man jumped out of the bushes and snarled, "Take off your panties!" But Little Audrey just laughed and laughed and laughed, because she knew they wouldn't fit him.

One day Little Audrey was at home playing with matches even though her mother had told her not to. Well, Audrey started the house on fire and she and her mother had to run outside. As the house was burning down, Audrey’s mother said, “Boy, is your dad going to whoop you when he gets home.” But Little Audrey just laughed and laughed and laughed, because she knew her dad had came home early for a nap.